Week 2: Superstars. Zero Wins.

BALLERS ONLY! FIRST! RATE! TAKE! Your team. Your fault.

Welcome to First Rate Take! Week two. The superstars showed up. Their managers are still looking for the venue.

We are opening an emergency support group for the oh-and-two teams. Five chairs. No refreshments. You people have been getting fed all week.

TONE, sit down. Lateef, sit down. Surin, you cannot appoint yourself chairman. Jermaine, stop checking the waiver wire for a sixth chair. Hiawatha, lovely of you to join us without making an acquisition.

Let's start with Brooklyn MuTONEbo. Twelve ninety-eight. Third-highest score in the league. Still lost. Wembanyama gave you two hundred and forty-five fantasy points. The highest player total in the entire fucking league. And you sent him home with the same record as Hiawatha.

Victor, blink twice if your manager needs instructions.

Astoria Hoops dropped thirteen fifty-five. Scottie Barnes, McDaniels, Dosunmu. Mike Petridis beat you by fifty-seven with a whole committee. TONE brought a seven-foot cheat code. Mike brought the rest of the team.

Lateef, you're next. Luka put up two twenty-three. You lost by twenty-one to Pulling From Deep. Again, your best player has done the assignment, and you're outside the classroom arguing about the font.

Manny got a hundred and ninety-four from Brandon Miller and a hundred and forty-nine from Podziemski. Twelve sixteen to eleven ninety-five.

Last week you lost by thirteen. This week, twenty-one. Thirty-four points between you and two wins. That is cruel. I almost feel bad.

Almost. Then I remember you put Luka up for sale after one loss. After two losses, what happens? Do we get a loyalty card? Buy two role players, receive one franchise player free?

Luka is still on your roster, Lateef. Put the calculator down and thank him.

Chair number three. Commissioner Surin. Brooklyn Kings. Oh-and-two.

You built a league with fourteen teams and somehow forgot to include a team you can beat.

Antonios beat you twelve oh-three to eleven sixty-two. Forty-one points. Giannis gave you a hundred and eighty-eight. Jamal Murray gave you a hundred and sixty. Zion gave you a hundred and thirty-nine. That is a substantial amount of basketball to waste on your leadership.

You and Antonios each used all seven pickups. Seven! This was two managers fighting over the last shopping cart, and only one of you remembered to put groceries in it.

Antonios is two-and-oh. Tatum, a hundred and eighty-two. Okongwu, a hundred and thirty-one. No speech required. The win talks. Surin talks enough for both sides.

And Surin! Friday night you told Yaxel to shut up and learn basketball.

Yaxel Lendeborg just led Jamel's team with a hundred and forty-eight fantasy points this week. Sunday he scored thirty-seven actual NBA points. You cannot even heckle a rookie without improving his résumé.

Jermaine, that brings us to chair number four. The champion beat you eleven eighty-one to ten eighty-three. Acuff gave you a hundred and thirty-nine. Booker gave you forty-three. You drafted a star and received the trial version.

Jamel got a hundred and twenty from Cameron Boozer. The champion is two-and-oh, and this week he scored less than nine other teams.

Nine!

Jamel is winning games on economy mode. The rest of you are paying full price for the loading screen.

Jermaine used six pickups. Jamel used six pickups. I would love to pretend effort is the difference. Sometimes the other guy just gets to laugh while you're rearranging the same disappointment.

And now, the fifth chair. Hiawatha. Eight hundred and sixteen.

On Sunday, your team scored zero. An entire day of professional basketball, and your fantasy team submitted a blank page.

Curry and Draymond rested. That part is reported. I'm not inventing some magical bench move that wins you the week. You lost by three hundred and thirty-two. This needed a different week.

Gimmie The Loot scored eleven forty-eight. Twelfth in the league. On Point won by the biggest margin anyway. Mobley gave him a hundred and sixty-one. Mitchell, a hundred and forty-eight. Maxey, a hundred and forty.

On Point, congratulations on surviving this ferocious encounter with a parked vehicle. Please ice your hands after collecting the win.

Hiawatha used zero of seven pickups. Last week, zero of six. Thirteen chances to touch the wire. You touched none of them.

Do you think the app is a museum? You are allowed to move the exhibits.

This team is called Heated. Where? The only thing warming up is the league's next joke.

And Janise has you next. She already figured it out in the group chat. She said she must be playing Big H. John called it a bye.

Big H, I am begging you. Make them pay for that. One win, and you can ruin two people's entire Monday. That is an excellent return on finally pressing a button.

Meanwhile, Greek Freak is two-and-oh. Aris has declared himself the Greek king. Dan, please tell me you have the password to turn his phone off.

Twelve eighty-five to twelve thirty-two against Glass Factory. Dwayne led by a hundred and forty-five entering Saturday. Then Greek Freak won Saturday by a hundred and sixty-seven.

Dwayne, you did not have a bad weekend. Your opponent installed a trap door underneath a comfortable lead.

Paul George gave Greek Freak a hundred and fifty-six. Durant, a hundred and forty-nine. Harden, a hundred and thirty-six. Shai was fifth on his own roster. Aris gets a win and another reason to send messages. We all lost something.

Jokic led Glass Factory with a hundred and fifty-seven. Last week's sensation, Ty Jerome, gave Dwayne forty-two. The supporting cast heard the applause and immediately took a personal day.

And John. Astoria Professors. Two-and-oh. Thirteen eleven against Babycakes' eleven eighty-three.

Flagg, a hundred and ninety-two. Kessler, a hundred and fifty-four. Kyrie, a hundred and forty-two.

John likes to tell everybody he can find value. He has found two wins and approximately four hundred opportunities to mention them.

He is also offering to trade for injured players. Chet is already in his I R slot. John, at some point this becomes a collection. The app is supposed to send you points, not a certificate of authenticity.

Janise got a hundred and fifty-eight from Jabari, but lost by a hundred and twenty-eight. Then she said she has to talk in code because the newsletter will roast her if she loses.

Janise. We can read the scoreboard. You could communicate entirely through smoke signals and the number would still say eleven eighty-three.

You're playing Hiawatha next. If that goes wrong, don't encrypt the message. Unplug the router.

Next week, Astoria against Astoria. Greek Freak against Antonios. The unbeaten managers are finally being forced to interact with evidence.

Kings against Jermaine. Somebody can get a win. Unless they tie, which would be the most on-brand outcome imaginable. Lateef gets Jamel. TONE gets Manny. Dwayne gets Loot. And Janise gets that dangerous little bye-week joke.

Time for the awards. Three categories. No participation medals. We already handed those out to the oh-and-two support group.

Certified Baller Status goes to Astoria Hoops! Thirteen hundred and fifty-five, highest team score of the week. Forty-four clear of the Professors. Mike Petridis, take a bow. Save the parade permit until you actually win the last game.

G League Said No goes to Hiawatha! Eight hundred and sixteen. Lowest in the league. Two hundred and sixty-seven below the next team. They reviewed the application and asked if you had considered fantasy bowling.

And Certified Carry Job goes to Victor Wembanyama! Two hundred and forty-five credited fantasy points. Twenty-two more than Luka. The best player week, attached to an oh-and-two team.

Victor, your award comes with a complimentary manager evaluation. TONE, yours comes with an instruction booklet.

That's First Rate Take. Seven winners. Seven losers. Fourteen managers who will insist this was all somebody else's fault.

Fix your team. We'll be back next week.